Ow! Hey, hey!
- Keep still. - Hey, come on.
Try a little sensitivity here.
Too bad you're not a horse, we could shoot you.
All right, let's get going.
Hello, Raymond. Your father's ruined everything.
What? What happened to you?
I was bringing the suitcases down.
The bum knee popped out again.
You're so clumsy.
That's the thanks I get for blowing my knee out in Korea
making the world safe for your mother.
You told me you slipped off a massage table in Tokyo.
Nevertheless.
What about the cruise now?
Okay. Well, thanks.
Mom and Dad are screwed.
Can't reschedule, and we can't get our money back.
Why not?
Because the discount package you made us get them
does not permit changes.
Oh, we can't go. You happy now, Tiny Tim?
- I'll go, I'll go. - No, no.
I'll go. I'm going.
No, Dad!
Ma, you could go by yourself.
Call one of your friends. Call Lee.
Lee can't go. Stan's cousin,
the diabetic, is visiting from Arizona.
You could always go by yourself.
- No. - Yes. We got it for your birthday.
I know, dear. And for once you got us a very nice gift.
Come on, Ma, you never do anything like this.
You bought all that cruisewear, huh?
Where you gonna wear that? Around the tub?
Not for me. I couldn't bear to go alone.
Ma, this is a deluxe weekend cruise in Bermuda.
This is once in a lifetime. This is non-refundable.
I'm sorry. It was a lovely gesture really.
And we want to pay you back for the whole thing.
Hey!
No, Ma, you wanna go. I want you to go. Come on.
What's it gonna take to get you just go?
I don't know.
No. Ma, look... Debra would never let me do that.
Now that would be a real present.
Ma, I would love to go but...
that wouldn't be fair to Robert.
No, no. I don't mind.
I think it's fair. In fact, it's more than fair.
It's funny.
Then, Robert, you can stay home and take care of your father.
Also funny.
Oh, Raymond!
This day started out so good.
Wow, did you do that yourself?
They're coming!
Oh, look how cute this is.
This is the deluxe package?
All right, look. I want to get mad
but I don't think I can fit another emotion in here.
Oh.
I'm gonna bring Debra back one of these shower-caps
to thank her for letting me have you for the weekend.
Yeah, the one thing she lets me do.
Oh, look how adorable this little toilet is.
Oh, that's great. They stuff you full of food
then they give you baby's first potty.
Come on, let's just get the hell out of here.
- Single file! - No, no, no.
We're gonna have a wonderful time.
Yeah? How do you figure?
Well, for one thing, we're gonna spend
the whole weekend together.
We can talk.
You and me, just talk.
Oh, Raymond, thank you for this lovely trip.
Knock, knock. Oh, hi.
Welcome to the Star Princess.
I'm your social director, Ted.
Just a list of some of the super activities we've got going on.
Oh God, activities.
Whoo, I've always wanted to do shuffleboard.
And bingo and candlemaking.
Oh good. Skeet shooting.
I'd like to sign up as skeet.
This... this is our first trip.
Oh, well then, sir,
may I recommend the deck by moonlight?
You and your lady might enjoy the gorgeous...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lady? Whoa!
This is not my lady, okay? This is my mother.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Mother. Done.
She really is my mother. Tell him you're my mother.
Oh, honey, look. Origami!
What did you write there? I'm telling you the truth.
It doesn't really matter. We're at sea.
You have a grand time, you two.
Lunch!
It's about time. I'm starved.
What?
You... you're not limping.
Oh yeah. Uh...
It's a miracle.
- Dad? - Honest.
I was watching one of those religious channels.
I pledged five bucks. Praise the Lord!
You faker!
The moaning and groaning and flopping on the couch.
Pretty good, huh?
What kind of a person are you?
I'm a very smart person.
Marie will be much better off without me anyway.
And what are you complaining about? You're free to go.
Everybody gets what they want.
I guess.
Everybody except Raymond.
God bless that magnificent bastard!
Let's eat!
Now this is what I call a vacation.
Three days of sitting in front of the Tv eating,
napping on the couch, soaking in my new hot tub. Nobody nagging at me...
"Frank, take out the trash. "
"Frank, cover your mouth when you burp. "
"Frank, that's no place for a Q-tip. "
I'm free!
I'm footloose and fancy-free!
Oh, oh, oh.
Come on, you've got the part!
I'm not kidding. I really popped it this time.
- You did not. - I did too.
Let me see.
You just had to dance.
Oh, there you are. Where have you been?
Bar hopping.
Waffle bar, omelet bar,
tostada bar.
Now I'm doing clam shots.
Raymond, so many clams.
You should try the crab cakes.
- Had 'em. - And the little eclairs...
Had 'em!
I'm amazed at how much I can get done
in the morning without your father.
I played bridge, I jazzercised. And look, origami.
Mr. Sasa thinks I have natural talent.
- What's this made out of? - Paper.
Oh!
And tomorrow we're making lotus blossoms.
You should come.
No, I don't know, Ma.
Some scuttlebutt about a pie buffet.
And bingo starts at 4:00.
Oh, see, but I'm hanging myself at 3:00.
Come on, it'll be fun. At least you can sit with me for a little while.
- Nah. - Marie, Marie.
- Here's me in my wedding dress. - Isn't that beautiful?
Dear, this is Mary Beth from jazzercise.
I'm Ray from Lynbrook.
Mary Beth's on her honeymoon.
We've been working on our glutes.
To glute work!
You know, your mother's wonderful.
- Yeah? - Oh yes.
She gave me some great advice on how to have a long and happy marriage.
Really?
Long and happy?
Yes. She says it's important to remember
you're not just his lover, you're his best friend.
She's so smart. Thank you, Marie.
Oh, anytime, sweetheart.
And I'll see you at Tai Chi, okay?
You told her you and Dad were best friends?
I also told her that childbirth isn't that painful.
She's on her honeymoon.
She's got the rest of her life to be disappointed.
- Okay, smile, you two! - Oh!
That's a keeper, yes.
We put these on display on the Lido deck.
I think you put that one on the poop-deck.
So, uh...
what are you and Mom up to this afternoon?
You know, she really is my mother.
I wanted to play bingo, but I'm not sure Raymond is up for it.
You know, several of our cruisers have told me
they would love to share a bingo card with you, Marie.
That is if Raymond doesn't mind.
Well, why would I mind? She's my mother!
Well then, fantastic. We'll set it right up.
- Oh hi, Walter! - Marie, how are you, my dear?
- This must be Raymond. - Hey.
Hello. I got to know your mother this morning over bridge.
Nimble. Nimble mind.
Of course I don't have to tell you that.
Oh, Walter, stop.
Yes, Walter. Stop.
Marie, I'd be honored if you'd be my partner tomorrow.
- Oh, it's a date. - Great!
Your mother is one terrific lady!
Marie! We're ready to practice. Can you please?
They're from "The Best of Broadway. "
Oh, girls, we'll be better than Broadway.
Raymond, you have to come to the cabaret tonight.
You know, life is a cabaret.
Oh, don't mind us. We're a bunch of merry widows.
- Right, Marie. - That's us.
I'll see you later.
Merry widows?
Yes, all their husbands are dead.
But you're not a widow.
& How can I be what I ain't? &
& I can't &
& Say no. &
Thanks.
I appreciate your help.
I know there's a lot of other things you'd rather be doing.
That's okay, Dad, I understand.
The important thing is we got you there in time.
Damn calzone.
Robert? You're not going to believe this.
What? Again?
All right, come on.
- Hurry. - Okay.
Grab the newspaper.
Oh yeah.
Ring a bell and the whole world comes running.
I'm done. Help me out of this thing.
I got your macaroni and cheese on the stove.
I gotta stir it,
'cause you like your cheese evenly distributed.
Now, please.
That's it.
What are you doing? What's the big idea?
I'll get you out when I'm good and ready.
- I'm ready now. - But I'm not.
I am the father. You are the son.
The son must serve the father.
Oh yeah? You want to be served?
All right, I'll serve you.
But first, I'm gonna cook you.
What are you doing?
Robert.
Oops.
I didn't think you'd be up.
Do you have any idea how late it is?
I don't know, but who cares? We're at sea.
- Where have you been? - With my friends.
We sang "Carousel"
and practically all of "Fiddler on the Roof. "
I was Tevye.
Friends who? Those merry widows?
Uh-huh, and Ted and Walter
and Mary Beth's husband.
We're all going to the discotheque.
What did I do with my evening purse?
Oh yeah.
Have you been drinking?
No, but upstairs
they're setting up a whiskey-sour fountain.
Who are you?
What do you mean?
You're acting all, I don't know,
like a woo-woo party girl.
I'm having fun. Can't I have fun?
I'm not saying you can't. I'm just saying it's a little...
hard to watch.
I didn't know you were paying any attention.
You seemed so busy trying to get on all the buffet lines.
Gotta get there early or they get picked over.
Stop eating.
Stop eating? See, you've never said that to me before.
Come on, let's go dancing.
No, no, I don't wanna dance. I'm not a dancer.
All right then, I'll see you later.
Wait, Ma. Don't you think you're overdoing it a little?
Huh? Take it easy. Take a break.
Come on, we'll get something to eat here.
Look, room service. I've got a tab running.
I don't wanna stay in the room. It's too small.
What's so special about those people out there?
Nothing. They're just very nice. They think I'm fun.
They think I'm interesting. They like doing things with me. They like me.
I like you.
Oh, I know you do, Raymond.
You know what? We'll have room service for breakfast tomorrow.
I won't stay out long.
- But, Mom. - What?
Maybe I'll...
I don't know.
I'll go with you.
No, that's all right, dear, you don't have to.
No.
I want to.
You want to go dancing?
I don't know about that,
but we can hang.
Don't be silly. We'll foxtrot.
- I don't know how to do that. - Yes you do.
You remember your cousin Gene's wedding?
- I was 13. - But you were very good.
All right, just... follow me now.
It's step-step, quick step.
- Count with me. Step-step, quickstep. - Step-step, quickstep.
Step-step, quickstep. I got it.
- See, Raymond. You're marvelous. - Okay.
No!
Sure could go for some pretzels.
I'll get them.
& Da da dum. &
Hi, boys! We're home!
Marie! My Marie!
What are you doing up? You shouldn't be up. Sit down.
I missed you so much.
Sit down. Sit.
Oh, poor Chi-Chi,
Did you miss me?
It's been hell without you.
Did Robby take good care of you?
Oh yeah, I took care of him all right.
He should be tender to the bone.
Thank you, Robby dear.
- Hey. - Hey.
How was your trip?
Yeah, not bad. I'll tell you one thing,
if Dad's the first to go, Mom is gonna do just fine.
Oh yeah? Well, if Ma's the first to go
God help us all.
Hey, hold on. I made this for you.
- Yeah, it's... - Oh.
- Yeah, it's Oriental. - Good.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Putting on a few pounds, there, huh, cubby?
Yeah, yeah.